I thought I was, metaphorically speaking, well-dressed with good vision, and wealthy. People, places, and things keep reminding me that really, biblically speaking, I am naked, blind, and poor. There is a recurring theme, a thread running through these days that extinguishes my spirit. It makes me feel crazy. Angry. Fearful.
I'm trying really hard to have a gentle peace as a backdrop to my life. The words "serenity" and "tranquility" come to mind. This is day 19, 844 for me. At various markers along the road, I thought I could manage my life through the right combination of chemical additives, but the body has not evolved for quick fixes.
People talk about "triggers," things that activate a sort of Rube Goldberg machine of dysfunctional behavior for them. I'm beginning to see, slowly, painfully, that I'm not a person who handles threats, perceived or real, very well. A threat makes me angry, and when I am angry I know there is something behind the anger, and it is almost always fear. I'm afraid I'm going to lose something I have, or not get something I want. Fear is the polar opposite of faith. They have an inverse relationship, like voltage and current in an electrical circuit.
So it starts with a thought, the thought that I've been threatened. The thought eventually manifests itself in words, because I have a need to talk with another person about how I'm feeling, hopefully someone who has felt like I do. And sometimes talking about it only reinforces the thought, the sense of being threatened., The fear increases, like the proverbial snowball rolling downhill. The thought has now become words, and with upward spiraling intensity, the words beg for some kind of action. It's uncomfortable, and it feels like action, any action, will take away the discomfort. In has been my experience that action born of this kind of thinking and speaking begets a new problem, a kind of guilt/shame cycle. The original problem can multiply, so that I soon find myself wishing I had only my original "problem" back, because now I am fighting a war on multiple fronts and it is clear I am losing.
I am learning who to go to for help and who to avoid with certain issues. Those who have thoughts and words helpful to me are few, they are vital, and they are also people who are busy helping others. We all have problems, and we all help each other if we are living honestly with an open mind and the willingness to change. We triage our fellows, sorting the victims and victors of life's drama according to the severity of their need.
Some days I feel angry, fearful, and resentful and I want attention to my painful condition. I want those with the right thoughts and words to be mindful of me, because I think I am bleeding profusely and I don't know how long I can hang on. It is in living through times like these, and coming out the other side, that I realize that God is good. Nothing explains everything, and no one can "fix" what's really wrong with me. We can only run from person to person, assessing the need and pointing others toward faith.
Please, point me toward faith when I'm in fear. Point me toward faith when I am angry and resentful. Without you, I am by myself to find God. He has found me, but I have the most difficult time sometimes in seeing the obvious, and recognizing Him in my circumstances.
