I can remember losing almost every jacket I ever had in elementary school. Okay, high school too. My mother would ask, "Where's your jacket?" and I remember thinking two things simultaneously - "Uh-oh" and "Who cares?" Because, "I'm in trouble" and "It's not cold out anymore" were the thoughts behind those thoughts.
Yesterday I took my 11 month old pal, SuperBub, to play on the grass at our favorite public area, an upscale outdoor shopping mall with a large grassy area and a big fountain. Apparently, the outfit he had on when he was put in my charge earlier that day was missing at the end of our time together several hours later. My first thought was, "Hell, I don't know. He travels with a whole diaper bag full of God-knows-what. What mortal being could expected to keep track of all that stuff?
Then I remembered a friend talking about how he's 48 years old and it bothers him that he's still not very responsible. I thought to myself, "Well, that's easy. You just have to take responsibility for things. You know, man up and bite the bullet, swallow hard and do those things you don't feel like doing or are too lazy to do. After all, procrastination is just sloth in five syllables."
As always, whenever I say or think something the least bit judgmental about someone else, something soon happens that highlights my own character defect in that area.
I feel bad about being irresponsible with regard to SuperBub's outfit. But feeling bad neither improves my carelessness nor replaces the items I lose on a fairly regular basis. It's been my experience that I only care when it costs me something, and even then the cost has to be such that I feel pain, financial or otherwise.
I don't want to be irresponsible any more. Last week I thought I'd lost a pair of sunglasses while SuperBub and I were out, but I found them in the diaper bag this week. I lose glasses and sunglasses all the time, but they're always ones I've found or obtained cheaply or for free.
I want to keep the inner child in me but I don't want to keep the part with an attitude of indifference toward things that matter to someone else. I'm responsible for ALL of my choices, whether they seem like a big deal or not.
It doesn't make me a bad person because I lose things, but sometimes the good is the enemy of the best. It's really not about a jacket or a an outfit or a pair of sunglasses. It's about making progress toward becoming who I want to be before I lie down for my last nap. Because who knows? I might come back as a scatterbrained fox who misplaces his tail.
