Something's different.
I took today and tomorrow off work. Today started like every other day. Up with the sun, walk a couple miles with the dogs, come home and feed them, eat a bowl of oatmeal. But since I didn't have to go work, and I ostensibly took the time off to "art it up," I got that old mental monster telling me I'd better have something to show for this paid day off when the sun goes down or... Or what? What is it that makes me feel like I either need to be working or being productive?
I finished my oatmeal and went back to bed. I smiled as I took my shoes off and pulled the sheet over me. Screw productivity, personal or otherwise. As I closed my eyes, I thought about the people I've heard talking about meditation lately. Historically, every time I've tried to meditate, my thoughts race or else I fall asleep. I know that being still is part of just about every religious belief system, but the whole meditation thing eludes me. I may understand it someday (several have tried to explain it to me), but so far, no cigar.
So I woke up from my nap about 9 a.m. and went out into the back yard, where I lied down in the grass and felt the sun's energy. The dogs like being outside lying in the sun, too. Then I mixed paint, took my experimental fountain out of the fireplace, then painted the inside of the fireplace blue. I ate a grilled cheese sandwich and nursed a 12 oz. Coke for three hours. I went to a meeting and introduced myself to a newcomer, then gave him a ride home. He wants to come back tomorrow, so I told him I'd pick him up at five. I went home, ate dinner, then to Lotions and Potions on Mill Avenue to use a $20 Groupon that expires today.
As soon as I walked through the door of Lotions and Potions, I knew I didn't want to be there. I failed immediately by opening my mouth and proclaiming out loud, "I don't know what possessed me to buy a Groupon to this place. Someone seriously needs to smoke a cigar in here." The place reminded me of one of those cars with bumper stickers that say "World Peace" and "I don't eat anything with a face" and are driven by the most discourteous and mean-spirited people on the planet, not to mention they all seem to have the driving etiquette of the average 16 year old male. My senses sere assaulted and insulted. I'd describe it like standing in the middle of a multi-screen drive-in movie theatre, all screens playing chick flicks with Smell-O-Matic speakers and soundtracks by the Bangles and The Go-Gos. I could feel everything male leaving my body. I gave the Groupon to Jeannie, and I went to Candy Addict a few doors down. Any store with the words "candy" and "addict" in the title can't be all bad.
Something's different with me today. I'm kind of peaceful and happy. Kind of an unremarkable day off, but I'm okay with it.
Tomorrow's another day.
19 May 2011
18 April 2011
Some Things Never Change
I can remember losing almost every jacket I ever had in elementary school. Okay, high school too. My mother would ask, "Where's your jacket?" and I remember thinking two things simultaneously - "Uh-oh" and "Who cares?" Because, "I'm in trouble" and "It's not cold out anymore" were the thoughts behind those thoughts.
Yesterday I took my 11 month old pal, SuperBub, to play on the grass at our favorite public area, an upscale outdoor shopping mall with a large grassy area and a big fountain. Apparently, the outfit he had on when he was put in my charge earlier that day was missing at the end of our time together several hours later. My first thought was, "Hell, I don't know. He travels with a whole diaper bag full of God-knows-what. What mortal being could expected to keep track of all that stuff?
Then I remembered a friend talking about how he's 48 years old and it bothers him that he's still not very responsible. I thought to myself, "Well, that's easy. You just have to take responsibility for things. You know, man up and bite the bullet, swallow hard and do those things you don't feel like doing or are too lazy to do. After all, procrastination is just sloth in five syllables."
As always, whenever I say or think something the least bit judgmental about someone else, something soon happens that highlights my own character defect in that area.
I feel bad about being irresponsible with regard to SuperBub's outfit. But feeling bad neither improves my carelessness nor replaces the items I lose on a fairly regular basis. It's been my experience that I only care when it costs me something, and even then the cost has to be such that I feel pain, financial or otherwise.
I don't want to be irresponsible any more. Last week I thought I'd lost a pair of sunglasses while SuperBub and I were out, but I found them in the diaper bag this week. I lose glasses and sunglasses all the time, but they're always ones I've found or obtained cheaply or for free.
I want to keep the inner child in me but I don't want to keep the part with an attitude of indifference toward things that matter to someone else. I'm responsible for ALL of my choices, whether they seem like a big deal or not.
It doesn't make me a bad person because I lose things, but sometimes the good is the enemy of the best. It's really not about a jacket or a an outfit or a pair of sunglasses. It's about making progress toward becoming who I want to be before I lie down for my last nap. Because who knows? I might come back as a scatterbrained fox who misplaces his tail.
Yesterday I took my 11 month old pal, SuperBub, to play on the grass at our favorite public area, an upscale outdoor shopping mall with a large grassy area and a big fountain. Apparently, the outfit he had on when he was put in my charge earlier that day was missing at the end of our time together several hours later. My first thought was, "Hell, I don't know. He travels with a whole diaper bag full of God-knows-what. What mortal being could expected to keep track of all that stuff?
Then I remembered a friend talking about how he's 48 years old and it bothers him that he's still not very responsible. I thought to myself, "Well, that's easy. You just have to take responsibility for things. You know, man up and bite the bullet, swallow hard and do those things you don't feel like doing or are too lazy to do. After all, procrastination is just sloth in five syllables."
As always, whenever I say or think something the least bit judgmental about someone else, something soon happens that highlights my own character defect in that area.
I feel bad about being irresponsible with regard to SuperBub's outfit. But feeling bad neither improves my carelessness nor replaces the items I lose on a fairly regular basis. It's been my experience that I only care when it costs me something, and even then the cost has to be such that I feel pain, financial or otherwise.
I don't want to be irresponsible any more. Last week I thought I'd lost a pair of sunglasses while SuperBub and I were out, but I found them in the diaper bag this week. I lose glasses and sunglasses all the time, but they're always ones I've found or obtained cheaply or for free.
I want to keep the inner child in me but I don't want to keep the part with an attitude of indifference toward things that matter to someone else. I'm responsible for ALL of my choices, whether they seem like a big deal or not.
It doesn't make me a bad person because I lose things, but sometimes the good is the enemy of the best. It's really not about a jacket or a an outfit or a pair of sunglasses. It's about making progress toward becoming who I want to be before I lie down for my last nap. Because who knows? I might come back as a scatterbrained fox who misplaces his tail.
12 April 2011
Help and Thank You
I've never thought prayer had to be complicated. "Help" and "thank you" pretty much cover it for me. The sea of life moves me up and down, and while I manage to keep my nose out of the water most of the time, 90% of me will always be below the surface.
Yesterday was one of those days when I swallowed a little water, panicked, asked for help, and now I'm saying thank you. A stranger misjudged my motive and criticized my honesty. Because the comment was neither clear nor direct, I first mistook it as a overture of friendship. When I began to suspect his words were unkind, I asked him what he was trying to say. He clarified his opinion a bit, the moment passed, and we parted ways. I felt indignant and naive. It took me a while to let it go. A friend reminded me that it's a broad highway and there is room for all of us, with all of our opinions and character defects.
Today is a new day. Thank you for new days. Help me to pause before I react. Help me to be patient, kind, and tolerant in the ever-changing sea of life.
Yesterday was one of those days when I swallowed a little water, panicked, asked for help, and now I'm saying thank you. A stranger misjudged my motive and criticized my honesty. Because the comment was neither clear nor direct, I first mistook it as a overture of friendship. When I began to suspect his words were unkind, I asked him what he was trying to say. He clarified his opinion a bit, the moment passed, and we parted ways. I felt indignant and naive. It took me a while to let it go. A friend reminded me that it's a broad highway and there is room for all of us, with all of our opinions and character defects.
Today is a new day. Thank you for new days. Help me to pause before I react. Help me to be patient, kind, and tolerant in the ever-changing sea of life.
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